I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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