Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
