We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
