this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
