At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This house was built for laser tag.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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