Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
