I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
