This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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