Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
