I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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