Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
