and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
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It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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