If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
