Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
