i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
