I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
