I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
