I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
