he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We got so high we made milksteak
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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