He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
