omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
