jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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