Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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