i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Someone came in the potted fern
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
