gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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