my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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