You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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