I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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