Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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