my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
