I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
