I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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