I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
