i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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