very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
