i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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