we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
