i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
