I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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