3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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