i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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