Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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