I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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