Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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