She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
