he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is Oprah even human
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
