Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
