I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
