Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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