I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
