I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists