Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
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I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.