my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
