Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
