bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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