I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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