Soap is not a condiment
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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