What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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