The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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